Shedding Light on Gaslighting
Shedding Light on Gaslighting: How to Spot and Stop Psychological Manipulation
By Crystal Dixon, PsyD & Kelly Anderson, PhD
We have a love-hate relationship with social media. It can provide great access, allow connection with so many different people, and allow you to share information more easily. But social media is also one of the biggest contributors to mental health misinformation. We can’t tell you how many clients were convinced they had ADHD after #adhdtok, #adhdprobs, and #adhdcheck blew up in popularity!
Another trending topic on social media people are talking about is gaslighting. Gaslighting is very real and can be incredibly and negatively impactful to the person being gaslighted. But not every negative or difficult interaction with someone can be called gaslighting.
Let’s talk a bit about what gaslighting is, what gaslighting isn’t, and what to do if you’re experiencing this in your life.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of mental/emotional abuse that aims to make another person doubt their own perception, memory, judgment, and reality. It is a term taken from the play/film “Gaslight,” where a husband attempts to convince his wife that she is psychologically unwell. Like other forms of abuse, it’s about control and manipulation. One of the more difficult parts about gaslighting is that it’s often a subtle and insidious form of abuse that can have long-lasting effects on a person's mental health and well-being. People who have been gaslighted often or for long periods may have trouble trusting themselves and their perceptions of the world.
Gaslighting often involves some (or all) of the following tactics:
Outright Lying: The gaslighter will often lie (about themselves, others, and experiences) to attempt to avoid accountability or change facts.
Denial and Contradiction Despite Evidence: The gaslighter denies events or statements that have occurred, even when there is clear evidence. They might say things like, "That never happened," or "You're making things up" to make that person question their reality.
Minimization: Gaslighters downplay or outright invalidate others’ feelings or experiences, making them feel like their emotions are wrong or exaggerated. They might say, "You're too sensitive," or "You're overreacting" to avoid confronting their actions.
Projection: Gaslighters accuse others of behaviors or feelings that they themselves are guilty of. For example, a gaslighter who is dishonest might accuse another person of lying.
Isolation: Gaslighters often isolate the person from friends, family, or support networks, making them more dependent on the gaslighter for validation and reality checks. They often try to make the other person feel “crazy” by turning friends and family against them. Isolation serves to strengthen the abuser’s control.
Inability to Take Accountability: Gaslighters often refuse to take accountability for their actions and instead place blame on others.
Change the Subject When Confronted: When confronted with their actions, gaslighters will often change the focus of discussion (e.g., when a gaslighter is confronted with denying their actions they will distract the person with an attack the person on an unrelated topic). Or they will twist words to shift the focus from what they are being confronted with (e.g., a partner says, “You didn’t do the laundry like you said you would” and the gaslighter responds, “Oh so you think I’m a terrible spouse and parent who can’t do anything right!”).
What is NOT Gaslighting?
It's crucial to differentiate gaslighting from genuine misunderstandings or disagreements. Gaslighting is not:
Healthy Conflict: Healthy relationships involve disagreements and differing perspectives. Gaslighting is a deliberate attempt to distort reality and undermine the other person’s sense of self. It is meant to cause harm.
Constructive Feedback: Constructive feedback aims to help a person grow and improve. Feedback can be hard at times and often we don’t like hearing about our growth points. But this does not mean that you're being gaslighted. Feedback like this is meant to encourage growth and change. Gaslighting seeks to undermine a person's confidence and self-worth to shake a person’s belief in themselves.
Forgetting or Misunderstanding: Gaslighting is intentional while forgetting or misunderstanding is usually unintentional and can be clarified through open communication. If someone is open to hear your perspective and responsive to your evidence, this is not gaslighting.
Lying: While toxic, lying can be attributed to a whole set of other problems. However, if the lying is followed by a challenge of one’s reality or an exaggerated response to deflect from their actions, then this may be gaslighting.
Denial: Same with lying, not every person denying a situation can be considered a gaslighter. Sometimes people who are in denial are not ready to confront a certain issue, lack awareness of themselves, have misunderstood the issue at hand, etc. More information is needed to understand the intent of their denial, and again, open communication is key.
Minimization: Yes, we did list minimization as a tactic of gaslighters. But there is a distinction. When another person is disagreeing with you respectfully or truly feels confused by what you’re saying, this is not gaslighting. Sometimes people may unintentionally dismiss what you’re saying not because they’re seeking to distort your reality, but because they genuinely do not understand your POV. Seek to be clear in your communication and make sure to ask (and allow) questions to ensure that your message is getting across properly before you ascertain whether the minimization in question is or is not gaslighting.
What to Do If You're Being Gaslighted
Notice How You Feel: If something feels off, it probably is. Trust your instincts and pay attention to how you feel.
Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a mental health professional who can provide objectivity, support, and validation. Isolation is one of the primary outcomes of someone who uses emotional abuse. Having people in your corner can help.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with the person gaslighting and assertively communicate what behavior is unacceptable. Boundaries are to get progressively firmer if the behavior continues.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with supportive people.
Consider Therapy: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in helping you process your experiences, rebuild your self-esteem, learn to trust your intuition, and develop coping strategies. It’s also (in our biased opinions!) the best place to counter TikTok mental health misinformation. It is a helpful resource in learning about healthy relationships, conflict resolution, and communication skills. There is no one way to respond to gaslighting, as it depends on context, the relationship, cultural differences, generational differences, etc. etc. We can’t give you a single phrase that will work effectively for all gaslighters, and it’s important to understand the complexity of your situation before choosing how to respond.
Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse and by understanding what it is, what it is not, and how to recognize it, you can take steps to protect yourself and regain control of your reality. Remember, there is always support available to help you through this challenging experience!