How "All-or-Nothing” Thinking Affects Self-Esteem
By
Dr. Benjamin Metta Penhas
As a psychotherapist, one of the most common and harmful thought patterns I encounter with my patients is "all-or-nothing” thinking. This cognitive distortion, also known as black-and-white thinking, occurs when we view ourselves, situations, or outcomes in extremes. Black-and-white happens when people blur out the gray areas of a situation, and everything is either a success or a failure. From my experience, when someone has this mindset, it can have a significant impact on self-compassion and self-esteem leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-judgment.
When I talk about self-compassion, I refer to the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would to a close friend or family member. All-or-nothing thinking, however, can make this difficult. When you see yourself as either "perfect" or a "failure," there's little space to acknowledge everything in between. This mindset can lead to constant self-criticism because mistakes or setbacks feel like personal flaws, not opportunities for growth.
Furthermore, “all-or-nothing” thinking can also damage your self-esteem. Self-esteem is commonly defined as our own perception of our self-worth. When we hold ourselves to unrealistic, black-and-white standards, we set ourselves up for failure. The smallest setbacks can feel like major losses. For example, if you don't achieve a specific goal exactly as planned, you might tell yourself, "I'm not good enough," and not pay attention to any progress you’ve made. This kind of thinking leaves little room for acknowledging your strengths and successes, leading to lower self-esteem over time.
Imagine taking a class in college, where the whole class was graded on a “pass or no pass” basis. However, instead of the cut-off for passing being 70% (as it is in most places) the cut-off is 100%. Meaning that if all semester long you miss a single question or a single point, you will automatically fail the class. That makes no sense. So why would you judge yourself in other situations with an “all-or-nothing” mentality?
Some tips that can help with “all-or-nothing” thinking:
Recognize the Extremes: Begin by noticing when you’re thinking in black-and-white terms.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness, especially when things don’t go as planned. Acknowledge that mistakes are part of being human but do not define you.
Embrace the Gray Area: Instead of seeing things as either a success or a failure, look for the middle ground. There is a reason why sometimes 70% is good enough.
Change Your Negative Self-Talk: Replace all-or-nothing thoughts with more balanced ones. For example, instead of thinking, “I failed, so I’m a failure,” try, “I failed this time, but I can learn from my mistakes and try again.”
All-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking does more harm than good. Although it might seem like you are doing good by constantly striving for perfection, it is much healthier to accept that not everything in life is perfect. It is imperative that you acknowledge your successes and failures, while simultaneously embracing the gray area which we very often find ourselves in. Applying these tips to your life can help improve your self-esteem, which may also increase your feelings of adequacy moving forward.