Toxic Positivity
Kelly Anderson, PhD
Here we are, almost nine months into a worldwide pandemic, in the middle of a very divisive election year, and the country is continuing to face racial injustice on a daily basis. We’re headed toward winter with no assurances as to when these things will change, or even improve.
It’s a hard time for most everyone. So many people have lost their jobs, we’ve lost loved ones to a virus we still don’t understand, and our usual sources and means of enjoyment and entertainment have been stripped away limiting our ability to engage in usual channels of self-care.
Also, if you’ve been on social media in the past nine months, you’ve likely been inundated with messages about how to use this time (aka, a forced quarantine) to become your best self. I have seen no shortage of rhetoric around learning a new skill, beginning a new workout program, using this time to reconnect with your family, and reach out to loved ones who may have more time on their hands. Unfortunately, what people may not understand about this rhetoric is that the pandemic hasn’t been a blessing to some (maybe even most people). Countless individuals lost their jobs, health insurance, and benefits. Even more were furloughed without pay and no expectations about when they may be back at work. Children were ripped out of classrooms and parents became teachers overnight. Not surprisingly, rates of substance use, depression, anxiety, and number of suicides skyrocketed within weeks.
When there are high levels of stress, pretending or actively ignoring the situations causing the stress by staying positive is not only unhelpful, but potentially harmful. In general, focusing on the positive aspects of life and even practicing daily gratitude can be useful. Where this practice becomes a slippery slope is when you only focus on the positive. This is toxic positivity—the expectation that people focus exclusively on the positive even when the aspects around them would dictate that you have a right to be upset, or dare I say, even negative!
Toxic positivity is not new, it’s something that you’ve probably seen a number of times. You’ve likely heard someone tell you to “stay positive” despite the pain and difficulty you’ve been experiencing. Maybe you’ve experienced great hardship and someone tells you to “look on the bright side” while invalidating how hard that experience was for you.
In fact, ignoring difficult emotions tends to make those emotions intensify (if not immediately, then down the road) and become more difficult to cope with later. Taking time to notice, label, and experience your emotions even when they don’t feel good, can open up space to allow you to begin to cope with them in a healthy way.
This doesn’t mean you should ignore the positives either. Thinking through what is going well and what you’re feel positive about can help to regulate emotions.
What can I do?
It’s important to find balance. Focusing exclusively on the positive or the negative, is likely going to have you end up feeling worse. However, when we take a factual look at what is going well and not so well, we can start to regulate our emotions and perhaps even take action steps.
What might balance look like? It might start with noticing your emotion(s).
What emotion are you feeling?
Where does that emotion sit in your body?
How intense is the emotion?
What is/might be causing the emotion?
In the past what’s helped you cope with that particular emotion and can you use that strategy now?
If you have a trusted friend or family member, talk to them about what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling that way, and how the situation is tough for you. Make sure this is someone who won’t try to talk you into being positive, but instead can validate your emotions.
Journaling can be a good alternative if you don’t have someone to talk to or are having trouble making sense of your emotions. There’s a wealth of research that shoes that journaling can be almost as useful as therapy in the sense that it provides a way to process thoughts and feeling and can be cathartic.
Validate your own emotions! Talk to yourself about why you feel the way you do and use compassion and understanding to remind yourself your emotions are important and valid.
At times when you feel able, see if you can generate a list of things that are neutral to positive happening. Writing this down on real paper and keeping it handy, can be useful. That way you can go back to previous lists and recall that there are times that things have felt okay-ish.
Although I’m not encouraging prolonged focus on only the tough stuff going on in your life, I do encourage you to be open and honest with yourself about what is hard and what is going well. This balance may keep you from falling into the toxic positivity rabbit hole.